TURTLE THOUGHTS

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

Today, December 23rd, is one of the most magical days of the year. It's Festivus! Please gather round the aluminum pole for the airing of grievances to be followed shortly thereafter by the feats of strength.

Happy Birthday, Big Bird

What do you give a 40-year old muppet for his birthday?  It doesn't matter, he won't enjoy anything until he gets that strange forearm removed from his innards. I grew up on Sesame Street...well, watching Sesame Street anyway. And I'm glad it's still going. I'm so old I remember Mr. Hooper.

Even though the characters are rather mellow now, it's important to remember they started out on the mean streets of the city, so they used to be a bit raw.

This is still my favorite Sesame Street-related cartoon:

 

Haggis Quits Scientology Cult

Academy Award winning screenwriter and director Paul Haggis is making a very public break with the Church of Scientology because of the cult's bigotry and homophobia. Haggis is the first person in more than half a century to win back-to-back Oscars for screenwriting (for "Million Dollar Baby" and "Crash", the latter of which he also directed.)

Haggis said he was forced to speak out against the Church of Scientology because of its refusal to publicly condemn its San Diego branch for homophobic statements it made during last year's Prop 8 campaign to take away the rights of some Californians to marry. In a detailed letter dated August 19, 2009 to Co$ spokesman Tommy Davis, Haggis wrote:

"I called and wrote and implored you, as the official spokesman of the church, to condemn their actions. You promised action. Ten months passed. No action."

He added: "The church's refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent ... I hereby resign my membership in the Church of Scientology."

A spokesman for Haggis says the letter was meant to be private. Despite that, it got out and has been circulating on the web for weeks.

The last few days have been a difficult time for Tommy Davis. Last Friday he stormed off the set of "Nightline" when questions about the kooky cult started to get under his skin.

The Scientology spokesman was irked when interviewer Martin Bashir asked: "Do you believe that a galactic emperor called Xenu brought his people to earth 75 million years ago and buried them in volcanoes?"

Davis immediately bristled to hear Bashir make reference to part of a Scientology scripture derived from the writings of church founder L. Ron Hubbard. The church has reportedly attempted to keep the Xenu story secret from a non-Scientologist public, fearful it will serve to discredit the religion.

"OK, Martin, I am not going to discuss the disgusting perversions of Scientology beliefs that can be found commonly on the Internet and be put in the position of talking about things that are so fundamentally offensive to Scientologists a that's all," he said.

Bashir persisted, and Davis stormed out.

Wake up, dumb celebutards. Don't do like Haggis and wait 35 years before you realize what a sham this Scientology cult is.

Suzanne Somers Still A Dingbat

Fresh off her remark that it was chemotherapy, not cancer, that killed actor Patrick Swayze back in September, celebutard Suzanne Somers is hawking a book hyping 'alternative' cures for cancer. Dr. Somers, best known for her role as Chrissy the Dingbat on Three's Company, is proving again that God took the wrong castmate when he snatched John Ritter away six years ago. (And it's not like He didn't have other options.)

Fortunately, not everybody's buying Somers' latest load of horse droppings.

     

Suzanne Somers, M.D.

Henry Gibson (1935-2009)

You may not know his name, but you will probably recognize the face. Actor Henry Gibson has died at the age of 73. While he's most famous for being a regular on Laugh-In, he first hit my radar as a leprechaunn on "Bewitched."  Later, he played a very funny judge on the series "Boston Legal" where he was known to utter the phrase "Outrageous!" during whatever strange case happened to be playing out at the moment. On "BL" his character ended up filing suit against an organization claiming to 'cure' gays of their homosexuality because it didn't work in his case. I also enjoyed him in the movie "Magnolia." RIP, Henry Gibson.

                                              

Patrick Swayze (1952-2009)

That's sad news. Living two years after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is very rare, so you know he was a fighter. I always enjoyed Patrick Swayze's work (well, except for his singing). "To Wong Foo" and "Dirty Dancing" were both great, and I think his role in the "North and South" TV miniseries way-back-when was, too. Still, my first thought on hearing this was, now he's a "Ghost."

                                 

Thanks, Joe!

If you're an obstructionist Congressman who hates the president, why not scream out that he's a liar during the middle of a joint session of Congress?  One reason not to do that is because it will enrich your election opponent by more than $200,000 in just a few hours.

That's what South Carolina GOP Representative Joe Wilson is learning today after his disrespectful outburst during last night's presidential address to Congress. Wilson, sitting among a pack of smug Republican Members, apologized almost immediately, but the damage has been done. Along with raising money for his opponent, Rob Wilson, he made himself and his party look like shrieking babies.

     

UPDATE: Rob Miller has now raised $600,000.

Have I Mentioned I'm Really Glad She's Not Vice-President?

I have to hand it to Levi Johnston. He has turned his 15 minutes of fame into something a lot longer. At least it feels that way. His latest?  An interview in Vanity Fair in which he says his baby's grandmother, Sarah Palin, tried everything she could to hide the fact that her daughter Bristol was pregnant.

Sarah told me she had a great idea: we would keep it a secret—nobody would know that Bristol was pregnant. She told me that once Bristol had the baby she and Todd would adopt him. That way, she said, Bristol and I didn’t have to worry about anything. Sarah kept mentioning this plan. She was nagging—she wouldn’t give up. She would say, “So, are you gonna let me adopt him?” We both kept telling her we were definitely not going to let her adopt the baby. I think Sarah wanted to make Bristol look good, and she didn’t want people to know that her 17-year-old daughter was going to have a kid.

Johnston also said that after losing the election with John McCain, Palin just walked around the house pouting about how being governor was hard, and she just wanted to quit and make "triple the money" writing a book or having her own show.  It's a real shame this nutjob didn't become V-P, ain't it?

                           

Senator Edward Kennedy Laid to Rest

You know you've made an impact when you have three former presidents, the current president, and Jack Nicholson all show up to your funeral. RIP Teddy Kennedy.

 

Michael Jackson Death Ruled Homicide

Murder! (Or manslaughter? negligent homicide? second degree?)  Will Dr. Murray be put on trial? Whatever happens, it'll be all over the teevee taking up lots of 24-hour cable "news" time.

I'm not a lawyer, but I've long been fascinated by the Jackson clan, and the only thing I can tell you for sure is, Joe Jackson is trying to figure out how he can wring a few more dollars from this.

                                                           Michael Jackson/Dr. Conrad Murray

"60 Minutes" Creator Don Hewitt Has Died

Don Hewitt, the man who created TV's first news magazine, 60 Minutes, has died at age 86. His vision ushered in a change in television news, opening the door to everything from 20/20 to Dateline to Primetime and all the shows like them. He was doing reality TV before anybody even came up with the phrase. RIP.

Don Hewitt (1922-2009)

A Fresh Sign of the End Times

Former professional insect killer, accused money launderer, and GOP House Majority Leader Tom Delay of Texas will be joining Dancing With The Stars in the coming season. I think I speak for a majority of viewers as I say, "Kill me now."

                         

Tom Delay--politician, exterminator, alleged money-launderer, dancer

Remembering John Hughes (1950-2009)

John Hughes made movies that defined how Generation X looked at itself: Breakfast Club, 16 Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Home Alone, and a host of others. He died last week from a heart attack at age 59. Molly Ringwald, who became famous working with Hughes, had a very nice remembrance in the NY Times.

There’s a scene in “Sixteen Candles” where my character, Samantha, and (Anthony Michael Hall) Michael’s character, “the geek,” have a heart-to-heart talk. The scene lasts all of six minutes, but it took us days to film because we were all laughing too hard. John, too. He sat under the camera — his permanent place before directors retreated to the video monitor — while the assistant directors stood around rolling their eyes waiting for him to stop laughing and reprimand “the kids.” But how could he? He was one of us.

Ringwald says Hughes could hold a grudge for decades--and she knew that from personal experience after turning down some Hughes film roles after she got famous. Anthony Michael Hall did likewise, and neither actor saw Hughes for the last 20 years of his life. (BTW, Ringwald and Hughes shared a birthday: February 18th)

                                                Anthony Michael Hall & Molly Ringwald today

Metacritic, The One-Stop Criticism Shop

If you're a discerning consumer of popular entertainment (and like me, you believe you are, so if you don't burst my bubble, I won't burst yours) but you just don't have the energy to invest in slogging through a myriad of separate entertainment reviews, I'm pleased to present a solution: Metacritic.

At Metacritic, they smoosh dozens of separate reviews for each piece of entertainment you can think of onto one page. They somehow arrive at an average score for the movie--I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt about this. They're even using weighted averages because they give some critics and publications more weight than others. I don't know how they decide that.  Yet, ultimately, you get an average review score along with blurbs and links to each invidual review. I love the interwebs.

      

Helen & Margaret Remember Sexy Uncle Walter

Margaret and Helen ("Best Friends for 60 Years and Counting"), the world's most amazing old lady bloggers, remind us that the late Walter Cronkite wasn't just a great news man--he was a stud.

Helen gets started by talking about the critics of health care reform...

 Rush Limbaugh,  a man who will never have to worry about the cost of insurance and  admits to a prescription drug addiction, actually wants to challenge Obama on healthcare reform.  Really? I am just stunned.  And now they attack Walter Cronkite … the most trusted man in America… Uncle Walter.   I guess the Americans with Disabilities Act needs to be revisited again to include “Republican” as a form of mental impairment because this has gotten out of hand.  And I will gladly give up my  mobility impaired classification and the great parking space that goes with it to make room for them.

Let me tell you about Walter Cronkite.   Besides being sexier than Rush will ever be, Cronkite was someone you could respect even if you didn’t agree with him.  He knew the difference between news and opinion and was quick to announce when he had switched from one to the other.  Each evening for years he brought millions of Americans together to know and better understand the world around them.  He was a man’s man who wasn’t offensive to women – unlike Rush who is an ass’s ass who couldn’t pay a woman to respect him… and I am sure he has tried.

Margaret responds....

Helen, dear, we can certainly agree on one thing for sure. Walter Cronkite was a very sexy man. I  tell you, he was the Anderson Cooper of his day. He could melt my butter each and every evening.   He could toast my bread on both sides.   He could float my boat, row it out to sea, and wait for it to return with the tide any day of the week.  Although, I’m not quite sure what that means, I do know that Walter Cronkite was a real man.  And, my dear Helen, that’s the way it is…

I just love them. (h/t to Bill in Portland Maine, the funniest writer at the Daily Kos)

Beer Summit? This Is Why TV News Sucks

So Obama has a beer with the blowhard professor and the cop who got mad because the blowhard professor didn't kiss his ass. And the media are calling it The Beer Summit. If they gave half as much attention to healthcare reform as they give to this piece of stage craft, we'd all be a lot better off.

They focus on this trivial nonsense because it's easier to report than, say, the war, or H1N1, or healthcare reform. But in order to justify it, they call it The Beer Summit, mostly because it's cute, but also because it confers a veneer of importance and/or relevance to the event that doesn't otherwise exist. 

                    

Cronkite Got It Right--If Only Today's News Anchors Had His Courage

The passing over the weekend of Walter Cronkite is made especially sad by knowing that he was one of a kind. Unlike today's he-said/she-said anchors, Cronkite brought real analysis to the news. Part of his job, he believed, was to get to the truth and report the truth in the proper context.  Salon's Glenn Greenwald is calling out Cronkite's modern day counterparts, urging them to emulate Cronkite, not just praise him.

Cronkite called it like it was during the Vietnam War. He also called it like it was in the days before Bush's disastrous invasion of Iraq. If we'd paid as much attention to Water Cronkite in 2002 as we did in 1968, just think how much better off the United States would be today.

                                                     

"What do I regret? Well, I regret that in our attempt to establish some standards, we didn't make them stick.  We couldn't find a way to pass them on to another generation."--Walter Cronkite

David Brooks Lets a U.S. Senator Get to 2nd Base Then Gushes About It on MSNBC

Here's an item for the Things I'd Just As Soon Not Know but Tell Me Anyway category. New York Times columnist and PBS/NPR commentator David Brooks told MSNBC that he sat next to a Republican Senator at a dinner during which the senator kept his hand on Brooks' inner thigh throughout the evening.

Brooks wouldn't say who it was (my money's on Lindsey Graham, but there are just so many possibilities, who can say? Yeah, I know Crist isn't actually a Senator, but he's running, so I included him.) 

I wonder, why the heck would Brooks say this? Does he really want us to cogitate on the thought of him letting somebody grope him all night, even if that person was a United States Senator?  Are we supposed to admire his restraint or be disturbed by his nonchalant attitude? And doesn't he seem to have the oddest bit of pride about the whole thing? If it had been the president, would Brooks have let him go all the way? (Well, we all know the answer to that question.)

When the news mannequin asked him if he'd had a couple of drinks, Brooks said he was just trying not to be too dignified and stuffy. Well done, David! Well done.  After whoring for these guys in your columns all these years, you're finally getting some recognition for it.

 

 David Brooks relaxes at home (left) and but butches it up for work (right).

Goodbye, Missus Slocombe

Actress Mollie Sugden has passed away at age 86.

   

Deja Vu: Al Franken Returns to the Senate Judiciary Committee

Since the Minnesota Supreme Court voted unanimously today to uphold Al Franken's election as that state's junior US Senator, Senator-Elect Franken went before reporters, and, among other things, said that once seated he expects to be assigned a seat on the Judiciary Committee--which made me flash back to an old Saturday Night Live sketch about the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court nomination hearings in which Al Franken played Illinois Senator Paul Simon--who questioned Thomas and Hill from his perch on the Judiciary Committee. Life imitates art.

 Senator-Elect Al Franken (D-MN) as Judiciary Committee member Sen. Paul Simon (D-IL) in a 1991 SNL sketch on the Clarence Thomas hearings.

Franken will also serve on the Health, Education, Labor and Pensions; Special Aging; and Indian Affairs committees.

Artist Abuser Victim Genius Monster Humanitarian Freak: Michael Jackson, You Wear Me Out

Michael Jackson's death has made me face the paradoxical set of feelings he evokes in me. I have enjoyed his videos, liked most of his music, and been very moved by some of his songs. But the increasing Level of Freak throughout his career took its toll, and, lately, he's just been easier to dismiss or ignore. Now that he's dead, it's like I have to decide once and for all how I feel about him. (It was this post on Feministe that got me thinking about it.)

MJ's death forces me to look at the conflicting emotions he inspired, and the past couple of days I've been surprised at how much I really liked those songs. "Human Nature" "Man in the Mirror" "Black and White" "You Are Not Alone".  I believe world is a better place because of those songs and many others like them.

But the other stuff...the sordid, disturbing, devastatingly personal Other Stuff. It obscures the art. And I have to ask myself, Why does my enjoying and appreciating the art make me feel like I'm trying to excuse all the horror? 

I can't reconcile it. So sometimes I really like and appreciate Michael Jackson. And sometimes I'm repulsed by the thought of the guy. I guess I'll just have to live with both those realities, appreciate the aspects of his work that I think are genius, and hope through it all that MJ has found some much-needed peace.

                                            

BREAKING NEWS!!! Michael Jackson Still Dead

Geez-Louise. More than 72 hours after the fact, at least stop calling it 'breaking news.' And I'm talking to you, CNN and MSNBC.

Michael Jackson Upstages Farrah Fawcett

 Michael Jackson 1958-2009

Sorry, Charlie. She's God's Angel Now

  Farrah Fawcett 1947-2009

The Truth Hurts

It's been true the whole time. There's always been one real journalist at Fox News. He remembered what he learned in Farley Hall in the mid-80s.

 (Shepard Smith exhorts grads at Ole Miss)

 

Chastity Bono Transitioning from Female to Male

When I was a little kid I enjoyed watching Sonny & Cher. Their little girl, Chastity, was a cute, blondie-sweetie who appeared on stage frequently with her parents.

Chastity grew up and came out as a lesbian--rather, she was forced out by the tabloids in 1990.  And now comes word that she is transgender. Chastity is transitioning to Chas. His friends and family have known about Chas' decision to have gender reassignment for a long time, but he only started the treatments after his 40th birthday this past March.

Chas will be in line for a lot of flak, and he'll get more than his fair share of shock, ridicule, and disgust. But I have to admire his guts, and I hope he's happy. His being happy and feeling okay with himself shouldn't cause anybody else to feel threatened or ill-at-ease. I hope he gets the support and encouragement he needs to make the transition as easy and painless as possible.

                                       

Outlawing Loud TV Commercials

You know you watch too much TV. Okay, *I* watch too much TV, but you probably do, too.

Aren't you annoyed by how loud the commercials are compared to the show you're watching? Well, so is Representative Anita Eshoo (D-CA), who is sponsoring the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act, aka CALM.

In all, 63 House Members and two Senators have signed on as co-sponsors. Eshoo, a member of the House Subcommittee on Communications, Technology, and the Internet, says she's just had it.

"Every time the ads came on they blew me out of my seat," said Rep. Anna Eshoo, D-Calif., who introduced the bill last June. "It really turns you off, makes you think, 'I'll be damned if I give them any of my money.' "

                           

At Least It Helps Contain That Diaper Smell

When I was a kid, my mother had an insanely disproportionate-to-reality fear that I would somehow manage to smother myself to death with a plastic drycleaner bag. I could freak her out by holding one up to my face, so I did it a lot. (Where I grew up in the middle of nowhere, you had to entertain yourself.)

Perhaps my mother's fear is grounded in having seen this DuPont magazine ad from bygone years (via Gawker).

                    

That's still not as bad as the Flintstones hawking cigarettes.

                    

From Plain Duckling to Rich Gay Swan

Ain't it amazin' what time, exercise, some glitter and a little hair dye can do for a person?  He doesn't look like a future Hollywood celebrity/host & media mogul here...

             

Can you guess? The reveal after the jump---

George Takei Wins "World's Most Famous Gaysian" Contest--Bobby Trendy Placed On Suicide Watch

As we prepare to transition from Asian American Heritage Month (aka May) to Gay and Lesbian Pride Month (June), it is customary to have a couple of transition days, say May 31-June 1, during which America recognizes Gaysian contributions to society, but mostly to television. For the 6th year in a row, Star Trek/Heroes star George Takei is the World's Most Famous Gaysian. Runner-ups included B.D. Wong, Bobby Trendy and some guy named Jimmy Chen who I'd never even heard of until I googled "gay Asian celebrities" and trust me, I'm still in the dark.) 

 Bobby Trendy before he got the bad news

            

George Takei and husband Brad Altman                            B.D. Wong

(There actually is a thriving gay Asian-American community. They're diverse and they do some pretty important work. Plus I think Lavender Godzilla is a cool name for a newspaper.)

Uncharacteristic Silence from Lying Coward Sean Hannity

It's now been more than a month since Keith Olbermann offered Foxnews mannequin Sean Hannity a thousand dollars for every second Hannity could withstand waterboarding--all for a good cause, of course.

It was Hannity who first volunteered to be waterboarded, saying he'd do it for charity, and his boast led to some intense interest, like the site waterboardseanhannityforcharity.com.  Sadly, no word yet from big brave Sean about when he'll put his lying behind on the table. Olbermann made a pretty safe bet.

                                                               

It's Just Plain Ole OPRAH, not OPRAH, MD, mmkay?

I know we're all supposed to love Oprah, and I usually do, because she's from Mississippi, and so am I, so that makes us, I dunno, like soul-twins or something. Anyway, I still had to agree with this medical doctor writing for Salon, who makes a good case that Oprah has been pushing questionable health claims on the American public for years, and lately she's getting worse. Like when she had Dr. Suzanne Somers on to talk about her amazing treatment for post-menopausal women that includes downing copious amounts of hormones.

But what Somers was advocating was radically different from standards of medical care. She admitted to using mega-doses of bioidenticals continuously and aggressively. She started her regimen, she told Winfrey, by rubbing bioidentical estrogen and progesterone creams on her arms, injecting another hormone, estriol, vaginally every day, and topping herself off with 60 different oral supplements. Physicians who may have been watching the show surely winced, but Winfrey was not concerned. "Many people write Suzanne off as a quackadoo," she declared. "But she just might be a pioneer."

Oprah is a real guru to her audience, and we all know she can sell a book, movie, or TV show just being mentioning it. So why is she giving so much valuable airtime to alleged quackadoos like Somers, and the anti-vaccine crusading Jenny McCarthy, not to mention that horrible woman who scammed millions with the POS book/video/phenomenon  called"The Secret?" Add in the fawning celebretard brown-nosing, especially with a string of prominent but loopy Scientologists, and her show comes off like an acid induced psychology experiment. 

              

I don't know why she's giving the nuts a platform, but I can honestly say that if Oprah would give me a car, I wouldn't care nearly so much.